science · Classroom writing
Data commentary
Describe evidence accurately and qualify the claim.
Classroom practice; use your course’s own task instructions for assessment.
Teach from noticing to independence
Complete annotated model
Task: Describe illustrative bus journeys: Monday 40, Tuesday 55, Wednesday 70. Explain what the data cannot establish.
Read the complete model in the centre. Explore highlighted grammar and vocabulary on the left, and match numbered passages to structure notes on the right.
Original classroom teaching model. Use the actual course task and word limit for assessment; the labels here are teaching descriptions, not awarded grades.
The complete text
Bus journeys over three days In this illustrative dataset, recorded bus journeys increased between Monday and Wednesday. The figures are counts of journeys, not counts of individual people. The commentary therefore describes changes in recorded journeys during this rather than claiming that every person travelled differently.
There were 40 journeys on Monday, 55 on Tuesday and 70 on Wednesday. The total increase from Monday to Wednesday was 30 journeys. Each one-day interval showed an increase of 15. The values therefore rose consistently across the three recorded days, although this is a very short period on which to base a wider judgement.
The three days show an increase during this period. a long-term trend or explain why use increased. Information about the recording method, service changes, weather or unusual events could help investigate possible explanations. Further comparable days would be needed before judging whether the pattern continued.
The most conclusion is that recorded journeys rose by 30 over the measured interval. A claim about growing use over a whole term, or about an improved service causing the increase, evidence beyond this dataset.
Read · evaluate · revise
Compare three responses
Task: Describe illustrative bus journeys: Monday 40, Tuesday 55, Wednesday 70. Explain what the data cannot establish.
The weak and good options isolate choices for comparison. The excellent option shows the complete teaching response. These are not awarded grades. Compare specific choices rather than treating length or complicated vocabulary as automatic quality.
Weak: comparison extract
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Good: comparison extract
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Excellent: complete teaching model
This is the whole response. Hover, click or focus a passage for advice on its place in the text.
Complete annotated model
Task: Describe illustrative bus journeys: Monday 40, Tuesday 55, Wednesday 70. Explain what the data cannot establish.
Read the complete model in the centre. Explore highlighted grammar and vocabulary on the left, and match numbered passages to structure notes on the right.
Original classroom teaching model. Use the actual course task and word limit for assessment; the labels here are teaching descriptions, not awarded grades.
The complete text
Bus journeys over three days In this illustrative dataset, recorded bus journeys increased between Monday and Wednesday. The figures are counts of journeys, not counts of individual people. The commentary therefore describes changes in recorded journeys during this rather than claiming that every person travelled differently.
There were 40 journeys on Monday, 55 on Tuesday and 70 on Wednesday. The total increase from Monday to Wednesday was 30 journeys. Each one-day interval showed an increase of 15. The values therefore rose consistently across the three recorded days, although this is a very short period on which to base a wider judgement.
The three days show an increase during this period. a long-term trend or explain why use increased. Information about the recording method, service changes, weather or unusual events could help investigate possible explanations. Further comparable days would be needed before judging whether the pattern continued.
The most conclusion is that recorded journeys rose by 30 over the measured interval. A claim about growing use over a whole term, or about an improved service causing the increase, evidence beyond this dataset.
A frame to adapt
These openings support rehearsal on new content. Adapt or remove them once learners can make the choices independently.
During …, … changed from … to …
This is an increase/decrease of …
The data do not establish …
Discuss the whole text
- How does the opening establish the reader and purpose?
- How does each paragraph develop or qualify the message rather than repeat it?
- Which claims go beyond what the three-day dataset can support?
- How does the ending follow from the earlier information?
Make the writing choices audible
“Who is the reader of this data commentary, and what do they need from you?”
“Show me the detail that supports your point. What would be unclear if you removed it?”
“Read your revised sentence aloud. What has changed for the reader?”
A short feedback conversation
- The writer identifies one intended effect.
- The partner points to words that achieve it and one gap.
- The writer revises, then explains the choice.
Adjust support and check transfer
More support
Read the model aloud, explain essential vocabulary and rehearse ideas orally. Offer the move labels with one optional sentence opening. Accept a labelled sketch before a short written response.
Greater independence
Hide the model and change the reader, topic or evidence. Ask learners to choose their own structure and justify one language choice.
Age and task fit
For younger learners, select one or two moves and work with familiar experiences. Older learners can compare alternatives and qualify claims. Use the actual course task and criteria when preparing for assessment.
Check learning
Use a new prompt without the model. Look for the same purposeful moves in original wording; copied phrases alone do not show transfer.